It's not me, it's you

After a long flight made even longer by a cold (me), lack of sleep (both), and baby haters for seatmates, Ben and I (surprisingly) made it back late Monday night. We were welcomed home with airport pick-up, broccoli pasta (a cheap and easy staple in our household), and a disgustingly spotless house. DH is always trying to make me look bad. Well, it feels good to be home. Wait, did I just call Seattle home? Another post for another day.

A few incidents occurred over the past week that lodged, stubbornly, in my mind. In college, I took a course on linguistics as it related to society, and in particular, gender. With Robin Lakoff as our muse, the working hypothesis was that discourse differs pretty fundamentally between men and women, in ways that heavily impact status. Some of you will hate me for writing this, but Lakoff's assertion is that men have a tendency to assert themselves with direct, unapologetic language. Even if what they're stating is utter nonsense. Whereas us women often employ qualifiers, hedges (i.e. kind of, seems like) and lean towards statements ending with a question. Sort of true, right? <wink> Lakoff's studies weren't based on quantitative research, to my knowledge, but it's still food for thought.

You're welcome to rail against my anti-feminist bent here, and I in turn will applaud you for it. Because I'd rather not have a confrontation with you. Ok, all joking and sweeping generalizations aside, I'll speak for myself here. I believe people talk differently, but I don't think it's split down any vast gender divide. In both camps you have your assertive people and then you have your doormats. Of course there's the in-between, but really, pick a stance already. In my head, I'm dashingly assertive (aren't we all), but somehow in practice, I end up a doormat. I'm not sure how this was ingrained in me, but I know I'm not alone. Rather than appear insulting or disagreeable (by correcting, disagreeing, debating, or downright arguing), I go with the flow, pretending not to hear things that I most definitely heard, giving humanity the benefit of the doubt time and time again. Taking the high road ironically equating to spineless and insecure.

Because aren't the offhand sleights themselves typically rooted in ignorance? Insults, racist remarks, ignorant yet inexcusable comments. Born of insecurity, when you get right down to it.

Historically, I have not found it in myself to call anyone out on said ignorance, but as a mother, I'm reconsidering. I can't let my son, half-Asian, grow up thinking it's okay if someone makes fun of his eyes or calls him Chinese. Yes, people, this goes on. Yes, it is 2011. What kind of example do I set for him if I continue to just let these things go by? Lest you think I'm merely on some racial soapbox, I assure you that's not the point. Ignorance takes all kinds. With a bit of self awareness, it can grow to something lovely, yearning, hungry for knowledge. More often than not it takes the path of least resistance, manifested through all manner of negative groupthink and the scarier of the -isms: fundamentalism, conservatism, chauvinism, old boys' clubism, racism, and so on.

All this to say, you know something? Maybe it's the rain today, or the woman who was blocking the entire entrance to the grocery store with her cart as she stared at her phone, this woman who, when I said "Excuse me," responded, "No problem." Whatever the case, to all the ignoramuses out there (doormats, unite and join me in this mantra, now): It's not me, it's you.